I feel guilty for not being able to hug Rachael to sleep as she wanted. She fell asleep while waiting for Raeanne to be asleep. My poor girl has to be scolded to be quiet every night. Even though I know all she wanted was our attention, we were both too tired to entertain her and had to scold her instead.
This afternoon I tried getting her to sleep in this position. She slept for about 2h plus. But after that, she refused to sleep like this again.
I’m really very frustrated with my life right now. With very bad clogged ducts and a baby who can’t breathe properly. My afternoon was so bad when I was alone that I almost want to throw my baby away. I threw her on the bed and immediately regretted that action. I guessed that’s why some mothers go through depression.
And only my mum understands and probably realized that I might be going through slight depression. She asked me out for lunch, offered to take care of Raeanne for a week to see if her nose will be better and often travel all the way from her house to mine just so I can have a breather.
The day before, I feel so frustrated that I thought of 离家出走 with Raeanne. At home, she can’t breathe properly. We can’t open the windows because hubby is afraid the mozzies will come in. Argued with me about the risk of dengue vs a daughter who had blocked nose. I really felt like bringing her to my mum’s place to stay with her. This will solve her nose problem and the problem of mozzies in the house.
Time check... 1.33am. First time she took so long to fall asleep. She’s finally asleep because I put her in the carrier. Should I bring her back to the room to sleep or stay outside to sleep in the living room tonight?
I’m so tired... and I still have to wake up to pump later on. What a life! Why must the mother go through all these pain and lack of sleep life? One might argue, the hubby needs to work. Oh well, maybe we should just switch roles to see which is easier.
Anyway, I just feel that it’s very poor thing to be the second child of the family. Your life will be compromised. I’m really sorry Raeanne. Just because you can’t breathe and are crying all the time, Daddy refused to carry you sometimes and let you cry on your own. Just because it’s been 3 yrs since we last had your elder sister, we tend to compare you with her... sometimes forgetting that she was also like that in the past.
My thoughts are all over the place... I just need to pen down all my frustrations before I explode.
Dear Father,
I pray for Your help to clear my blocked ducts. I pray for all the hard milk to be dissolved and flow out smoothly. Take away all the pain and engorgement. Give me strength and patience to endure and go through this darkest moment in my life.
I pray for Raeanne’s nose to be cleared. I pray that You take away her sensitive nose and let her be able to breathe normally like me. Help her to sleep well instead of having disturbed rest because of the blocked nose. Bestow Your beloved sleep on her.
I pray for hubby’s soul to be rejuvenated. Grant him the grace and wisdom to go through each day in school and come home without any emotional baggage. Help him to have better time management so that he can just relax when he is home. Protect him from his enemies and those who spitefully used him. I pray for You to lift him up as I know that only You can move him to a better place and give him back the joy that he has lost that is so important in his life.
I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide Rachael in Your ways. Help her not to be materialistic. Help her to be godly and be only interested in the things of God. I know we had spoilt her. I pray that Father, You will speak to her Daddy to stop indulging her in toys and sweets and all unhealthy things. I pray that she will also stop asking for things and stop expecting surprises and gifts daily.
Last but not least, I pray that You will keep all of us healthy. Keep us knitted as a family. Strengthen us individually that we can all play our part as a family.
In Jesus’ most precious name I pray, amen!
No comments:
Post a Comment